malheureux

I am just stuck, wallowing about. I don't know how to get out. The only comforting things are my dark room when the only source of light coming from the string of lights I have around my big window, being at home with my mom and daddy, watching Where the Wild Things Are, and my mirrored aviator sunglasses.

Absolutely stuck!!! Need to find a way out immediately before I fail my classes. Its like I'm losing sight of my goal, but I'm not. I just am losing sight of how to get there. Fruitless, useless, saddening.


Photograph by lis

du soleil

Depending on the way that you look at it, I was lucky/unlucky enough to see the sunrise one night... Even on 1.5 hrs of sleep, I was still motivated enough to grab my camera and shoot from inside my room through my huge windows. I haven't seen so many different colors in the sky for as long as I can remember. The craziest pink/magenta/orange gradient!

I went on a 2 hr run this morning and I wish I had my camera with me. Forest park looked like autumn heaven with a million different colors of leaves all over the floor and a thousand bare tree branches in the sky. I could sit in the middle of the park and just breathe in that maple-oak smell while the crisp air tingles through my loose strands of hair.

Being and watching outside is my escape to the horrible or the stressful, or the ugly in my life.

This semester has been a blessing and a mess all at once.


Photographs by lis

presque... être fini

Unfortunately, before my summer has really started, it has already begun to end. I have but two and a half more days here at home, and it's back to school to start the grueling process of my junior year.

Fingers crossed for a better year!



Photo borrowed from joannagodard.blogspot

nouveau obsession

and his name happens to be Edward Norton

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Edward Norton
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Ed Norton
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

être fou de..

It's official.
I now have two heroes.


Photos via wimbledon.org

pour être expressif

Or attempt to, at any rate...

I have created a hitRECord: elemenope at
http://www.hitrecord.org/danprofile.php?mode=viewprofile&u=5239

If my Daddy hadn't packed my beloved camera for storage, I might have fully been in use of that particular piece of equipment during my break times this summer. Unforturnate, unfortunate.

mon héros

Finally, the French Open.

assez gros

I am talking about myself, of course. The cycle of eating unwell and having to sit at a desk all day is contributing to perhaps the worst shape I've ever been in in my young life. I am publishing this now so that I have somewhere to definitively say: I am changing how I eat and live. If not, before I know it, I may become one of those sedentary, insulin resistant/insensitive individuals who develops HTN and DMII early in life.

On a happy, light note,

fatigué

the full moon shining on me before I fell asleep a few days ago

Phew. This is the first time in a long time when I am exhausted from work. It's exhausting just thinking about the fact that in the meantime, there is so little reward for so much work that must be put in to just get by, day to day. I suppose it is what we all should have expected when we decided to go to such stimulating and challenging academic institutions.

But like, phew. It's so tiring.

And amidst my two-bowls-full-of-coffee-and-am-still-tired spell during the day, I realized that in all actuality, if things go the way that I want for them and plan for them to go, this will be the rest of my life. My motivation therein lies with the potential that I will save lots of lives and help lots of people in the future.

Here's to my sacrificing a little sleep for my brighter, more successful future.




Photograph by lis

rien, vraiment

the score I'm conducting now,
but more representative of my perspective on
life generally, right now

I actually don't have much to say. I wish this weren't true, but I have been full of extreme ups and downs (more of the downs) lately. I'm waiting for it to kind of equalize out.

I'm so grateful that I have amazing friends who balance me out and genuinely care about me. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a family that loves and supports me through everything. It's so fortunate that when things are looking so down, I still have people around me to turn that world upside down, right side up.

And as the complete and utter nerd that I am, the Third Movement of Rachmaninoff's 2nd Symphony is probably one of the most sincere and touching pieces I have ever heard. Honest to goodness, if I were to fall in love, I want it to be to this beautiful, genius, vulnerable piece of music. I think Rachmaninoff and I are on the same wavelength most of the time, except he is much more of a genius than I will ever be.



Photograph by lis

prodigieux

beautiful, as in beautiful day, beautiful weather, beautiful life

This has been the first great day in a long time. It snowed really hard last night and I fell asleep on my bed watching the snow fall by the light of the street lamps.
My favorite cold morning sunny day smell was outside the whole day. Even though it was 40 degrees, I remembered how much I love that weather and wearing my knit uggs.
I only missed very few questions during my MCAT group session.
I love my family. I love my friends.

The point really is, I really needed today to remind myself of how much beauty and happiness and value there is in life. My motivation is back on, in full gear.



Photograph by lis

inutile

I brought 16 books home from the library last last week.

Firstly, what is wrong with my stomach? I think maybe I have acidosis or stomach-eat-you-alive syndrome or something. Maybe it is the gummy bears, or maybe it is the yogurt, but my stomach does not appreciate it.

And what's with this twittering? There are so many uninteresting people on twitter. Why do they bother writing, when all they have to say are things like "I had a good day today. Sunny outside and warn enough to have ice cream." These people do not need to twitter.

I ended up getting one so I could follow Christopher Walken...

Yes, yes, yes I know. PrimeMinister3, let me know if you end up getting one so I can follow you on it too.

Lastly and importantly, I am hopelessly horrible at writing papers. All I want is to go for a run outside, but my stomach still HURTS.



Photograph by lis

les éternuements

(a) Spring has decided to... well, spring up on me. My loving to leave my window open caused me to accidentally leave my window open over the break, and my room is now pollinated. I have valiantly tried to un-dust, launder, and vacuum each square inch of my room. However, I am still all sniffles and sneezes and watery eyes, as I sit here studying. Miserable.

(b) I had the extreme urge to take a long, long run yesterday because it was 70 degrees outside, and sunny. My being restless and very full of energy inspired me to run up and down a flight of very steep stairs, several (too, too many) times. My thighs are now burning, and I feel certain that I look like I'm waddling when I walk to class.

(c) For the first time this semester, or maybe for the first time since the year 2005, I don't have work due this week. Though I have an exam coming up and a paper to revise, etc, etc. Only, this is phenomenal!! The possibilities are kind of almost endless: I can do [well, study, really] anything!



Photograph by lis

doué

happy birthday to two of my best friends.

it keeps raining

Sometimes, I cannot help but to be impressed by how talented some people are, and how each person is so individual in their interests and brilliance. Last night I got to attend a concert with my favorite pianist, Yefim Bronfman as the guest performer. Totally enraptured by his performance (as always), I kept thinking to myself, if only I could have half as much talent as he does at piano, in any one thing I learn.. I would be happy.

Only after thinking about it a bit more, sadly, I realize I am much more greedy than that, and I doubt how much talent I would have to have to really be satisfied. It's easy to pick out my weaknesses, but it is so hard to appreciate what talent I am already lucky to have.

Plus, I have to point out, that some people are just total geniuses. Brahms on his Second Piano Concerto, for instance. By gosh, his fourth movement really affected me. Le sigh...



Photograph by lis

petit repos

My favorite smell is when its really cold outside around the end of November on Saturday mornings when the air is dry and the sun is out. One of my favorite sounds is the sound of snow falling, and how after the snow stops falling, it sounds like there is a blanket around everything in the world and it's soft and quiet. I give. Winter is one of my favorite seasons except for the bitter cold of the wind and how it numbs my fingers, toes, nose, and ears completely.

But it's March already. What exactly is Spring doing? I am already ready for its arrival so that I don't have to wear at least 3 layers anymore. I would say that I am looking forward to not having to wear gloves and boots everywhere. Lucky me, going to school in a city where Spring might not start until after Easter.

from my seat on the plane

I am, for the first time in a long time, quite happy about a lot of things. For one, I'm home. For another, I am free to play as much music as I'd like for a week. I've planned to accomplish things: read some Hemingway, write a short piano piece, study for the MCAT, lounge about, and shop. This is another one of my favorites, it's the smell -- of freedom!



Photographs by lis

à la mode

in lieu of NY Fashion Week, this.
no matter some of these are from Spring collections, and no matter that the week is not yet over.

hermès fall 2009

hermès fall 2009

nanette lepore spring 2009

NOT part of fashion week, nevertheless
rugby ralph lauren spring 2009


[edit]:

lacoste spring 2008


alexander mcqueen fall 2009

ralph lauren fall 2009

ralph lauren fall 2009

photographs found on nymag.com, rugby.com

avant la tempête

Oh yes, yes. You are probably thinking that this girl is crazy about her window, and that she is absurd. I sort of am.

I also think that the raindrops that are sitting static on the glass make the street lights look quite pretty, kind of like looking at lights when you are crying. Anyway, it's sort of the calm before the storm in more ways than one.

I actually don't know why I said that. I am not what you would say calm, but I certainly am trying my best. And of course, only to be achieved by listening to a little Valse.



Photographs by lis

et c'est...

love.

Really, really, really - so this is love. I love human physiology.
I hope that for the sake of my exam, physiology loves me too.

My love for physiology has somehow managed to trickle down into the rest of my life. It's supposed to rain, and I can't help but be excited about wearing my rain boots and yellow rain coat and using my new umbrella. I have no time to practice, but I can't help but love my new piece, the Dvořák - it's such a great fusion of classic and Czechoslovakian.

With my current state of being, I would not be surprised if tonight I dreamed of physiology... psychologically twisted that it is.

Ha, like I care.


Photograph by lis

superficiel

edie sedgwick.

How perfect is this comparison to my current state? I'm having trouble focusing. I feel so god awful guilty about it - I want to shop, I want to go out to eat, I want to sit pretty, I want to have lots of time to spend socializing and taking it easy. And while I imagine that life of ease and pleasure, all I see is inevitable failure.

So here it is. I hate thinking like I'm materialistic, but I'm such a girl sometimes, I can't help it... and sigh. Another thing to work on improving.

le morceau

I just realized there is a whole part of me completely out of touch with reality. I feel like Trois Gnossienes - diminished fifths, seconds, and upbeats. It can be so crazy good, this place I always visit subconsciously when I have trouble coping with the pressure that is my reality. I know that sometimes I'm like a five year old, but that's the real, big part of me. I really haven't grown up at all - I still want the same things I have always wanted, I still work toward the goal I always had.

What I need to do is learn to moderate my visits to the Trois Gnossienes of my thoughts. Lately, they have been far too frequent. I haven't been moving forward as far as I'd like.

Woah woah. Before I go, trois affaires. (1) I want to learn French horn. (2) That's why I love Finding Neverland so darn much. And, (3) really, you should hear all Trois Gnossienes. It will change your life.



Photographs by lis
That is the score of the piece I am conducting.

ma fenêtre

This is the beautiful view from my window at 8 this morning. It gives me little shivers and made me turn on all the yellowest lights in my room. And I think I should be listening to The Swan of Tuonela, reflecting on life. My thoughts didn't clear from their hazy wake up state, but I did make myself a cup of hot chocolate and think about how happy being warm made me.


I only recently saw that snowflakes really do have those distinct crystalline shapes -- and came to the pitiful realization that they are hard to capture in a photograph. No matter where I tried to land a snowflake, each decided he certainly did not want to be seen, and melted straight away. My windowsill was the closest I could get to a still frozen snowflake. Then, I realized that my camera could not do their structures any justice.

I am pleased to report that I felt a new, stronger wave of motivation after my five hour exam yesterday- only to be helped on by my admiration for Federer and his ability to prevail, and André Previn and his passion for artistic interpretation... le soupir.

I hope - a good week ahead.



Photographs by lis

beaucoup de charme

it's probably weird, but I am so absolutely drawn to his nonchalance.
it makes me think he is si artistique.

actually, no.
this is probably much more weird, because I realize he is like at least 40.
but he is so dapper.

seth cohen (who is > adam brody).

wang lee hom.
wait, seriously. how can this be anything but appealing?

oh, novak.

bryce avary and his talent.




Photographs 1, 2 by The Sartorialist
Photograph 6 found on Flickr

très (peu familier)

I'd say, for lots of things. Semester, class, age. Mostly though, it was my fifteen minute walk back from physiology that made me contemplate my current situation. I realize that I have always been the one to make the most important decisions in my life, but I feel like I've always had help along the way. It's really come to a point now though, that I have absolutely no one I can completely rely on. I must be the one to entirely earn my future. In that, I somehow feel very alone.

It's basically this. I'm the one person on the inside, looking out. I've locked myself inside to work, and it feels like everyone else finished their homework early so they are already out playing. I know I've chosen this path for myself, but why does my homework have to be so hard and take so long?

Like with everything else, I should just diagnose my problem, and figure out how to fix it. Even after all this time, I just can't pinpoint the problem. Though now I think really hard about it, that's bound to be one of the hardest parts of being a doctor, isn't it?


Photograph by lis

début

I don't understand. Sad things can seem so beautiful. I know for certain that when I'm as cold and sad inside as the grass buried in ice, I don't feel beautiful.

Only one more day of home, until I have to return to school for another cold, hard semester.

On another note, Rachmaninoff is a complete genius. He knows beauty and turmoil so well. I think I've been listening to his No2 and No3 on repeat for at least two weeks. Rachmaninoff gives me new inspiration every new listen. If I had his physical capacity and intellectual imagination, I could do so much more with music.

Here's to wishes, of being more successful, beautiful, artistic.


Photograph by lis